Daring Greatly: Why are some people more affected when everyone experiences similar events? How do some people manage to be so relaxed even in the most difficult situations? In this Daring Greatly book summary, we answer these questions.
Courage and assertiveness are traits that can be acquired and developed over time. You can learn to stop shyness. In her book Daring Greatly, which consists of 7 chapters written by Brené Brown, she teaches how to acquire these characteristics.
Daring Greatly Summary with 20 Lessons Learned
Here are the 20 lessons to learn from Daring Greatly Summary:
#1 Being Ashamed
It is a feeling that arises from the feeling that we are not acting normally. It is about how we interpret the events that have happened. Receiving criticism, clumsiness, or anything we do wrong can make us feel ashamed.
The reason we are ashamed is to act in a way that is not normal for ourselves. The reason for embarrassment is the inconsistency that the person experiences with himself/herself. If too much exposure is given to this inconsistent situation, the embarrassment will pass.
#2 Should We be Ashamed?
While it may seem good to have a sense of shame that isn’t incompatible with society, being shy isn’t beneficial in the long run. Embarrassment can leave you vulnerable and prevent your talent from showing.
The reward for shyness is not shamelessness, but assertiveness and comfort. Although the feeling of shame is associated with mortality, it is not right to feel this emotion too much. It will prevent you from constantly avoiding social environments and trying new things.
#3 Accepting Vulnerability
You can start by admitting that you are shy and easily influenced. Because unless you fully accept the problem, you cannot focus on the solution and you make it a habit to live by running away.
The human brain is an expert at making excuses and can convince you very easily. The moment you realize you’re deceiving yourself, you have to let go, this way of thinking may make you feel good, but it won’t work out in the long run.
#4 Tell Others
Tell others what you have been through and how you feel. You will relax as you talk about your embarrassing moments and you will see that this is not the biggest issue in the world.
Sharing your feelings will normalize them in your mind, and you will feel more relaxed as you see people’s reactions. Feelings, good or bad, have no end and are all temporary. So don’t be afraid to feel bad and don’t do things you know are wrong just because it feels good.
#5 Emotions Aren’t Harmful
Emotions come and go. It is a momentary situation in your life. If you don’t run, you’ll get used to it and the effect will fade. You get stronger as you live. After a while, the issues you are afraid of becoming meaningless.
All difficult situations lose their meaning when you are exposed to them enough. For example, you may have a fear of flying, but when you are exposed to it many times, your fear of flying will decrease and even the journey will become boring.
#6 Repeat Until You Get Used to it
Courage is a quality acquired over time. It can be improved. You can start with small examples of courage first. Over time you show courage in bigger things. If you continue regularly, you may find that you are improving much more than you expected.
Every area of life is a challenge, the important thing is not to win or lose, but to get used to it. As long as you get used to it, no one can beat you. You must train yourself to quickly adapt to any conditions.
Do not try to pretend to be sincere to get rid of the feeling of shame. If you feel the distance between you and people, leave it that way. Don’t confuse it with practice. Pretending to be someone you are not can put you in more difficult situations.
In social life, everyone can’t act as they feel like, but do not confuse this with pretending to be someone you are not. It is not wrong to act according to the rules of etiquette and to strive to adapt to society.
#8 Being Strong
As you open yourself up to others, you will feel empowered while at the same time thinking that you are vulnerable. Because you have nothing left to hide. There’s nothing left for you to run away from. You are there with all of your imperfections.
Being strong doesn’t mean you don’t have any shortcomings, it’s about accepting your shortcomings and not being afraid of them being revealed. Being strong starts with accepting yourself as you are. If you have nothing to hide, there is nothing for others to use against you.
#9 Looking Weak
There is social pressure on this issue, especially for men. Men don’t cry, don’t get scared, don’t feel sad. When they reach the point where they cannot cope with this situation, they start to void living life. They stay away from jobs that will put them in a difficult situation. The pressure to be strong causes them to delay life.
Appearing weak is a bad feeling, but remember what we said about feelings. Appearing powerless is about doing something you don’t see fit for yourself, but you can train your mind to normalize what you do.
As you describe yourself and reveal all your good and bad sides, you will have harder skin. Having nothing to hide gives him immense strength.
What is meant by saying “everything is forgotten overtime” is forgetting what we experienced at that moment. When you break up with the person you love, it may seem like your love will never end, but after a while, you will see that its effect decreases or you may be devastated by the death of someone you love very much, and you will get used to living with it.
#11 Shy Kids
If you don’t want to raise a shy child, let that child do his work. Let him fall, break, spill, but let him do it himself. Do not make unfounded criticisms. You will not be with him for life, so his courage should develop as soon as possible.
Shy attitudes in children are unfortunately rewarded and as a result, weak children are raised. Our generation needs strong people, and our children need to fight and be supported to become stronger.
#12 Take Action
Suggestions are important but not sufficient. Doing something that requires courage, even if it is small, will add more to you than saying “I am brave” a thousand times a day. Success comes with practice.
Don’t wait until everything is ready to start a business because that will never happen. Even when you think that everything is ready and start to work, after a while you will see that there are many missing. So don’t fall into the trap of waiting for the perfect moment to act, because there is no such moment.
#13 Don’t Fear Vulnerability
You are not a robot. Of course, you will have your weaknesses, mistakes, and fears. So try to be open whenever possible. Do not hide your failures.
Being open to criticism and not being influenced by criticism can be learned. To get rid of this situation, people prefer not to leave anything to say by criticizing themselves before others. Also, being uncomfortable with criticism isn’t entirely negative as it will encourage you to do a better job.
Do not criticize your friends when they tell you about the features that make them vulnerable or the events they have gone through. This mutual openness will make you even more comfortable. Criticizing others program your mind to constantly criticize, and you will do the most harm to yourself.
You know how uncomfortable it is to be criticized, so remember how they will feel when criticizing others. Try to use your criticism in a way that will benefit them, because they may be in a much worse situation than you imagine.
#15 Be Honest
The more real you appear to people, the better your image will be. When you try to hide your mistakes, it is felt and you are perceived as a coward.
Being honest will make things easier, the more you have to hide, the more restless you will be. Living with the thought that the lies you tell will be revealed will make you unhappy and cause you to lose your naturalness.
#16 No Problems This Time
Keep this prejudice in mind. Repeat this inside yourself. You may think that I am deceiving myself, but your subconscious will act accordingly and ensure that things go smoothly.
You will never experience most of the bad events you thought would happen to you, and even if you do experience these bad events, you will see that they are not as terrible as you think. Don’t let your fear of failure stop you from realizing your potential.
#17 Being Normal
No matter how you behave, none of the people you will meet in your life will agree with you. So don’t try to adjust yourself to the people around you.
Everything we define as normal is what the majority do. Most of them lead unsuccessful or ordinary lives. If you follow the majority, you will not experience feelings that will disturb you, you will not be criticized, but years later, you will not be able to get rid of the thought “I wish I lived as I wanted”.
#18 Don’t Treat Yourself Cruelly
Most likely, your inner voice is incredibly critical of you every time you make a mistake. Be aware of this sound and replace it with positive words. It is normal to make mistakes. Nobody is faultless.
Make a list of positive sentences and repeat them often. As your thoughts are positive, your mind will adapt to them and your courage will increase. You should encourage yourself as you give morale to others.
#19 Don’t Generalize
Making a mistake doesn’t mean you’re incompetent. Making a mistake only means you made a mistake. Forgetting the key at home does not mean you are forgetful. This indicates that you forgot the key once at home. Forgetting the key at home 5 times does not mean that you are forgetful. Let’s say you are 30 years old. This shows that you forgot the key at home 5 times in your 30-year life. It doesn’t mean you’ll forget after that.
Generalizing begins to limit your mind, you create prejudices. Prejudices are not all bad, they allow you to make quick decisions, but they can cause you to miss new opportunities in business life. Avoid generalizing on important issues and consider all possibilities.
#20 Don’t Constantly Seek Solutions
Constantly striving to resolve your shyness makes it an obsession. You don’t need to fight for this feeling of shame, which will decrease as you get older. Practice and push yourself a little every day.
Shameless people are much more successful than shy people, we cannot change this situation, but with a little effort, you can adapt to this situation. You don’t need as much courage as you think to reach your dreams, it is enough to struggle a little to change this situation.
Top 10 Quotes from Daring Greatly
1. “Diagnosing and labeling people whose struggles are more environmental or learned than genetic or organic is often far more detrimental to healing and change than it is helpful.”
2. “Vulnerability isn’t good or bad: It’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.”
3. “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve cut it off at the knees.”
4. “Shame is a real pain. The importance of social acceptance and connection is reinforced by our brain chemistry, and the pain that results from social rejection and disconnection is real pain”
5. “When I talk to men and women with high levels of shame resilience, they are keenly aware of these lists. They keep those strictures in mind so that when shame starts creeping upon them, or they find themselves fully in shame, they can reality-check these “norms,” thus practicing the second element of shame resilience critical awareness. They can choose consciously not to play along.”
6. “One of the most powerful way that our shame triggers get reinforced is when we enter into a social contract based on these gender straitjackets. Our relationships are defined by women and men saying, “I’ll play my role, and you play yours.”.”
7. “Preteens or tweens, though, are much different. Upper elementary school and middle school were where most of us started to try on new and different forms of protection. At this tender age, the armor is still awkward and ill-fitting.”
8. “Gratitude, therefore, emerged from the data as the antidote to foreboding joy. Every participant who spoke about the ability to stay open to joy also talked about the importance of practicing gratitude.”
9. “Scarcity and fear drives foreboding joy. We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that there won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult. We’ve learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster. And we struggle with the worthiness issue.”
10. “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s preventing us from being seen.”
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Brené Brown’s 10 Rules for Success
The Popular Brené Brown Ted Talk
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